Life has been turned upside down..

In my last post, several months ago, DH was heading back to work.
He did for two days.. Then quit/went back on disability due to anxiety.
He started drinking more.
The end of August I asked him to visit his parents for a trial separation.
After a few days it was clear to me that I didn't want to live with him anymore and I was going to start the divorce paperwork.
October 4th he was hospitalized with liver failure.
October 6th he had his 40th birthday.. Clinging to life in the ICU.
Kidney failure soon followed.
For a short period it looked like he might pull through.. There was some improvement.. But then a rapid decline. Now his body cannot handle anymore dialysis.
Today he goes home to his parent's house for hospice care.
He does not have long.
It is all so surreal to me..

Okay, "Other Stuff" first.

Been super busy at work.

The new co-worker is doing fine and we get along well.

My boss gave me a $1/hour raise!

Our local fair was in town recently. I entered a table setting again.
It was set for the fair's theme and won a first place - $15 prize.

Our friend took us into the fair again for free this year.
I went three times.. once was girl's night.

DH and I did make it to the gym *almost* every day since my last post.
(Between work, gym, fair and home I had very little down time lately.)

The kids and I bought DH a Fit Bit for Father's Day.
He has really liked it and using it seems to help him motivate.

DH's stress test for his heart function was all completely normal and is regular physician cleared him to return to work.

His doctor did refill the anxiety medication.
DH has started talking to me more about what causes him anxiety. Some of it is from his crazy mom - her guilt trips and passive aggressive bulls**t.

And he is nervous about returning to work tomorrow.

DH had an appointment this morning with the pulmonologist. Just a routine recheck. Everything has checked out normally thus far - Good!
His blood pressure is still slightly high.
The doctor wants one more test - a stress test. DH is already scheduled for this Monday. I am so glad we don't have to wait weeks to get that done like we did for the two echocardiograms.
Fingers Crossed it turns out normal.
That should then mean his heart is totally normal & in good working order.

I've put my head in the sand as far as medical related costs. DH and I are going to sit down together soon and see what needs to be paid. We will ask to be put on a payment plan. The last statement we received showed our amount due was near the $4k mark.

In related news. We started going to the gym together and made the goal of going every day until the end of June.

I kept suggesting he go to the gym while I was gone at work. Pretty quickly realized he didn't want to go alone. Fine, I'll go too - it's not like I don't need to go to the gym also!

I have also been encouraging him to join me when I walk the little path by our house in the mornings. I just do 8 to 10 minutes before I get ready for work. It is so lovely and smells so good in the mornings it gets the day started off on the right foot so to speak.

What I realized recently is that as much as I love my DH I cannot MAKE HIM improve his health. Sure I can support him and make suggestions, but otherwise I cannot change HIM. So let me shift my focus - I CAN change ME.
That said, I am concentrating on working out, avoiding to much junk food and de-stressing.

(Sounds corny) But I can be the best me I can be!

Thankfully, (**knocking wood** here) DH has not had to go into the ER anymore.
He had his sleep test and has been using a CPAP machine every time he sleeps. It is making a big improvement in his quality and quantity of sleep - just as everyone said it would. The machine he has been using is a loaner from the doctor. Today he finally got the paperwork through and ordered a machine of his very own. He will pick it up tomorrow. No insurance coverage on it, so we paid $465 out of pocket for it.

He had a second echocardiogram on June 1st. It was one with a contrast medium. They are specifically looking at how the pulmonary veins are functioning. This is what supplies the oxygen to the heart muscle. The heart itself looks to be in good working order.
I am of the opinion that the times he was having chest tightness/pain it was from panic attacks and not from heart issues. None of the tests ever confirmed a heart attack or any heart disease. The ER doctor who said "mild heart attack" also told him his cholesterol was "sky-high" when the truth was that it hadn't even been checked. When DH's regular doctor did do the test a few days later it was normal - actually quite good considering the crap he eats. So it seems to me that the ER doctor was going for the shock & awe, scare you straight route. I REALLY don't like that style of doctoring, however I think my DH needed to be scared a little bit so he would get serious about changing things.

Currently, he is off work. His doctor has him off until July 1st.
His boss is having to do a lot more of the "real" work. I hope this will teach him to appreciate DH more!

I have told him this will be a great opportunity for him to spend time with the kids (school ends this week). Beach, pool, lake, discovery museum, mini golf, etc.. Free or very low cost, low stress fun outside of the house.

It has been a busy May. I have been wanting to blog, but have been feeling overwhelmed and unmotivated.

Unfortunately, my boss' wife was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer mid-way through the month.
It really came out of nowhere. She had some mild pain in March, but that had resolved. Then she was having shortness of breath at the end of April and the doctors saw some fluid accumulation in her chest. They started the string of diagnostics to rule things in or out (heart, lungs, infection etc..). When they drained the fluid and analyzed it it was full of cancer cells.

Naturally my boss has been a mess. To make it worse they are totally f***ked in the financial department.
(You might recall previous posts about poor money management and being in bankruptcy for the second time.)
He had to keep coming in to work, even while she was hospitalized, because he doesn't have enough reserve to even miss more than one day of income.
Really bad. And sad, sad, sad.


Due to these circumstances he didn't pay close attention to his bank account and bounced almost every check/charge that week - including paychecks...
Yeah.

By the time I see that my paycheck bounced it was two days until payday again. Deposited that check and naturally my bank puts a hold on the funds until they know the check will clear. Arrgg!!

Received our third, post-diagnosis, paycheck this last Friday. It is in my purse right now.. I have decided to cash it (well, try to) tomorrow.

So yeah, as it stands he paid me cash for the bounced check and my fees associated with it.
The following check is tied up in Hold limbo until later this week.
The current check might get cashed tomorrow.. hopefully.
This is especially inconvenient since my income is the only income for my family right now.
(DH has applied for his disability and we are waiting for the first check.)

My co-worker, N, as had enough. She feels like now is the right time to move on - I think she is making the right move.
She has been thinking of moving to a lower cost of living area. She found a place this last week.
(A place where she will be renting *a house* for the same cost as she had been renting *a room* from her friend.)

I am very sad she is going. We have worked together for 13 years.
She is leaving pronto - tomorrow is the last day we will work together!

Things are not feeling so great, or hopeful, at work right now.

DH is slowly working on repairing his health. He had some chest tightness on Friday and rushed to the hospital, but everything was fine. His anxiety working him into a panic attack.

His breathing is so much better. Back to normal. I think it took him this long to completely recover from the pneumonia.

His sleep test / cpap machine test is supposed to happen this Friday.

I am proud of him so far. He is really being serious about talking with his doctor, eating better and researching information. He has cut his drinking down to a single beer per day. Of course no alcohol would be better. But this is a man who used to drink a tumbler of whiskey almost every evening, so I'll accept this as moving in the right direction.

DH was having burning chest pain early this morning. His chest was also really tight and he was feeling dizzy. So after tossing and turning for a little bit he asked me to take him to the ER.

We checked into the ER at 2:45am.
He had an EKG, blood work, a chest x-ray, nebulizer treatment and also a chest CT scan.
They did a second EKG because there was a slight irregularity in the first one. It was still there in the second one. From that the doctors concluded it is very likely he had a mild heart attack recently!
OMG!
The cardiologist didn't seem too concerned at this point. He said DH can turn this around by getting healthy.
As I've said before, he has really packed on the weight - the bad belly fat type. And he drinks way too much alcohol.
It is a "wake-up call" and so far DH is taking it seriously.

They discharged him from the ER at 8:15am this morning right after seeing the cardiologist. He has been feeling fine since.

This morning we paid $176 at the ER. Which is a weird amount.. our ER co pay is supposed to be $250 so I don't know where that amount came from?

Friday he has an echocardiogram (ultrasound of his heart). Positive thoughts please!

DH was having more burning chest pain on Wednesday morning, so back in to see the doctor. This doctor took more time with DH than the three previous doctors did. He spent time explaining things to DH. Ordered lab tests and referred him to a pulmonologist.

DH saw the pulmonary specialist on Friday. That doctor was good because he was brutally honest about DH needing to lose weight, eat healthier and cut out the excessive drinking. He did say he thought DH could completely get better and this wouldn't be a long term issue (as long as DH takes care of himself) and nothing serious cropped up in the testing.

So far this month we have spent $180 to see doctors and $177 at the pharmacy. Ouch.
The *little* silver lining is that we finally opened our HSA on March 15th. (Just in time I guess.)
Now I'm replacing money as fast as I'm drawing it out. Hope my effort will pay off at tax time.

DH has to take a short class in order to get the equipment to do the sleep apnea test at home. That class has been scheduled and I don't *think* there is any fees, but I don't know.
It seems certain that he will need one of those CPAP machines. I have no guess on how much that will cost. But, everyone we know who has experience in the sleep apnea area says this little machine makes a world of difference.

All of this is throwing a wrench into the life insurance works. I'm going to keep pushing towards getting that finalized and just hope like crazy nothing turns up that will cause DH to be unqualified for coverage.

Bottom line is I want my hubby to be healthy and happy. The sooner the better!